Sex is . . .
By Jennie Smith
Sex, it’s complicated….
Great date? Really like the other person? Want to seal the deal? Have sex.
I know my partner NEEDS sex, so I give it to him/her once a day/once/a week/once a month/ once in a lifetime.
Hey! I got all my things done earlier than I thought (he/she says at 10pm). Want to have sex?
Last night we finally had sex after a no-sex drought of 4 weeks. It was great!
A checkmark on a list of to-dos’-
So sex after I get home from work, but before I go to the gym. Maybe 10 minutes? Does that work for you?
He/she keeps complaining that we haven’t had sex in a month so I had sex with them last night to shut him/her up.
Our sex life is fine…….
Manipulation (explicit and implicit)-
I will give you sex if you give me a car, a house, food, resources, marriage, safety, security, emotional support, personal fulfillment, a sense of belonging, a sense of value, love…..
When he/she looks at me during sex, I feel like they really see me.
I feel like I open to something bigger than me when I have sex with him/her.
I have never felt my body relax so open as it does during sex with him/her.
I want nothing more than to sink into my partner and for them to penetrate me fully.
I have never been so open and exposed than I am with him/her.
It is so fucking good. So alive. So visceral. I want to eat him/her alive.
He/she did this thing with their mouth and oh…..
I want him/her so much.
We were naked, heaving, sweaty masses on the floor.
I was so turned on, I lost all control.
I have never done some of the things I have done with him/her.
I want sex. I want my partner to want sex. I want to be touched. I want to touch. I want orgasms.
I want lots and lots of orgasms. Sex feels good/great/amazing. I am drawn to have sex, sex with myself and sex with other people. I am attracted to other sexual beings.
Needless to say, sex is complicated. There are so many frames that we place on sex. Everything from it being just another thing to do to stop your partner from bitching at you, to a mind-blowing existential experience.
But bottom line is sex is 100% natural. It is beautiful. It is our birthright. It is ours to claim. And I think it would do us all well to remember that. No matter how many layers of lacquer we put on sex it is first and foremost, natural. Not to be shamed, shut down, ignored, distorted, or abused. But instead to be tended to, talked about, engaged with, and explored. And perhaps we would greatly benefit from starting at square one with sex, stripping it down to the most elemental level before any additives, adjectives, or admonishments are thrown in the pot. Just a thought.
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