Everything is Good Enough…LIE!
- The Intimacy Map starts this conversation and is a free, pdf map which is a 6 or 7-day course that you can find at www.shadesofintimacy.com. It is key to how Jason and Jennie got where they are. It is a device, a tool that starts off asking you where you are in your intimacy; an honest look. It is designed to take a real and raw look, using the code, at your results. It will guide you to get real with the facts and raw with your feelings which will gain you power.
- When the couple was there in the beginning of their relationship, the facts were that it wasn’t working and they didn’t allow themselves to feel what that meant. They were lying to themselves, and when they did look at the facts, there was a numbness around them. The lie to yourself is that everything is good enough; if those words are coming out of your mouth, you need to hit the pause button.
- While talking to her parents, who are in their late 70’s and have been married over 50 years, raised five kids and survived the loss of one of their children; Jennie asked them what their secret was. They answered that they never said that it was good enough; they never uttered those words. Jason and Jennie had uttered those words; they could have stayed there and numbed out, but they called bullshit. It is either in or out, and sometimes the answer is no, but having that choice of being in or out was more freeing than settling on good enough.
- Jason’s frame was they were going to do whatever they could to fix it, and the frame of the universe was that they were going to find out if they should be together or not. Are you in or out? Jason didn’t want to face that as a possibility. Where in your relationship have you been on autopilot? If you are honest about where you are, you will expose a gap.
Having is Evidence of Wanting
- The Intimacy Map leads to the topic of looking at your life, and what do you have? What kind of relationship do you have? When you are looking at your relationship and what you have in it is evidence of what you want. That may be hard to swallow. Having is evidence of wanting; the current results you have are evidence of some part of you that wants that.
- You are accountable for the life that you have; for a lot of us that makes us cringe and say Oh Fuck. They aren’t talking about suffering abuse as a child and saying that you wanted that. There is a period in your life, and circumstance, where you are not in a state of having. This is outside the scope of this conversation; war inflicted areas, young children and the elderly that are abused; there is an age of having, where you can create and manifest, and that isn’t a young child.
- Here is the frame for this; they have worked with this for years, and there is truth to it. We are the master and commanders of our lives; once you hit a certain age to say that your life is at the hands of someone else is bullshit. You have that kind of life because you want that kind of life. What this process does is open your heart to responsibility, accountability and you start to gain power over your life.
- Jennie hates to call herself a victim, but she has to own that because she has a place in her relationship where she goes into victim mode, and she creates a certain response; it is a tough pill to swallow. She has been in some shitty relationships with not nice people, Jennie has to look at those relationships and own that she had them, so she wanted them. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Jason’s parents did not have the success that Jennies did. They remained married, but it was always on that middle ground which was painful.
- Jason was then in a painful marriage, where they just wondered if enough was good enough; can we make it through, can we endure until the end. Jason’s parents were a model of survival for him; until Jason realized he was just in a loop. In that loop came a lot of sympathy and praise for what he endured; he didn’t have to claim responsibility for himself. As long as he stayed in victim mode, he didn’t have to do the work.
I Told You So and Everyone is Full of Shit
- Getting core honest and recognizing where you are at and what you have right now, you have created those results. That is brutal in some cases, especially in a relationship. We bring our childhood wound moments into our relations with the expectations of our partner fixing them; when they don’t, they become the bad guy. If you don’t communicate and your spouse is flying blind that don’t know what you need because you have never told them.
- When Jason gets stressed he wants to be taken care of; it is usually small motherly things like getting him a cup of coffee. Jennie came from a different background that functioned on independence. Jason will sit there and say that he feels like shit which is his code for Jennie to take care of him; he wouldn’t say that he wanted a cup of coffee, he would expect her to know. When Jennie doesn’t read his mind it validates his feelings of,” I fucking told you so, she let me down.” He would rather be right than get what he wants.
- When you go into that, and you realize that it is true, something happens. Jason’s body opens and relaxes and knows that he created that situation. Until we can admit those places in ourselves, then we can’t shift, transform or evolve them. It’s difficult to look at a shitty situation, but if you want to grow and look at your lies, you need to get used to having your nose rubbed in your shit.
- Jason and Jennie had their moment of this isn’t good enough; they had made shifts, but they were still lingering in the karmic cul de sac of past relationships. There was always something within them that wanted a shitty relationship. Jennie was clinging to the need to be independent and isolated and not having to connect. She wasn’t connecting to Jason or the kids, and their connection was becoming more and more surface level and shallow. The couple became aware of it and said, that it wasn’t good enough.
- What is it that you want? The focus is on what you want, to get honest and own up to you wanting some of the shitty stuff that you have. You have got to start to examine what it is that you want so that you can then have what it is you want. You expand the gap between where you are and where you want to be; then start moving forward, leaning into something different. Possibilities will begin to show up, and then you do the work.
- The first step is owning where you are and what you have. Then you have to lean forward into it realizing it will take effort, and it will be scary. It is a commitment to keeping your feet in the fire and move forward. What are the results that you want? If the results that you see in your intimacy are not what you wish to, Jennie would argue that it is what you want, because it is what you have.
- When you start to explore the pieces of you that want, the subconscious, unconscious parts of you that are moving below the surface to get you exactly what you want, you can then own them. You then can release them and start to receive it. It only comes from owning your shit though.
- The free Intimacy Map can be downloaded at www.shadesofintimacy.com the same place you can find all of the couples podcasts as well as on Itunes. If you are on Itunes or Stitcher, give the podcast a review and leave them some love.