Where Were You?
- 9/11 was this week: What does that have to do with Intimacy? It has a lot to do with it when you think of all the families on that day that were overjoyed to be able to go home to their loved ones, and then those that didn’t have that opportunity. The ripple effect on that day caused everyone witnessing the event to want to be with the one they love.
- Jason was in his office in Heber City in an Engineering Company, and a co-worker came in and asked if he had seen what was happening. At that time he was split from his first wife, and he drove to her apartment; things weren’t right between them, but they sat on the couch and just watched T.V. for hours, watched the Towers. There was a connection in danger; and he reflected on that this week.
- At first, there was confusion, and some thought the plane hitting the building was an accident; all doubts were erased as the second plane hit the next tower. The reason the couple brought this up as it brought a sense of urgency to their relationship. Everyone woke that morning 17 years ago thinking it was a typical day.
The Reality of Death
- You start to think about it and realize this can happen to anyone at any time. Heart attacks, traveling, commuting to work; moments like that turn your attention to what is important. For a lot of people that is your intimate relationship. The moments of being pushed up against something like that which creates urgency in your relationship; it makes you love harder, deeper and be more appreciative.
- Why does the thread get so thin when we are pushed up against a moment where we are faced losing someone we love forever? To appreciate and bring depth to a relationship you have to have a relationship with death; you cannot deny that death is there at any moment. It is a scary thing, but so true that it could end at any moment.
- Jason remembers a time when he and Jennie were alone, and he became acutely aware that at some time, everything he loves will be taken from him. He was overwhelmed with the realization that all things die or go away with time; even the memory of him will be gone. He was on fire and knew that all they had was right now and death was coming; Jason grabbed Jennie and told her they needed to make it count. It’s a perspective shift when you look around at all the extraneous bullshit we are consumed with.
- Get right in your body, get right now and feel the pleasure of being alive. If you are in pain because the connections you have intimacy is not the level of depth that you prefer, don’t suffer in that place. The couple offer workshops, go to the Shades of Intimacy website and look them up. Contact them for a conversation. Nobody should be out there wanting something and not have a roadmap of how to get there.
- One of the most beautiful things is connection, love, and depth; there is no other fucking point to being here. If you don’t have that, then everything else is pointless. Why wait? Jason is a person who waited and was in a terrible relationship the first time. It took his first wife leaving and then dying; it was the two towers in his life, his life was destroyed. People have catastrophic, defining moments to wake them up.
- We are predisposed to always be in a survival, safety mode. Making sure your fed, clothed, you are safe and have a shelter; a lot of that drives our behavior. It’s a reptilian brain, adding on top of that, layers telling that reptilian brain to stop going into survival mode and go into a mode where you can thrive and enjoy. You may not feel safe all of the time, but it’s fucking delicious; that is so opposed to our survival core, it’s hard to override that.
- What is something that woken Jennie up? When she was younger her older brother was in a terrible accident and was in a vegetative state for a year; then eventually he was removed from life-sustaining efforts. When the couple first started dating Jennie got a call; her previous boyfriend had cancer. He was in treatment for almost a year, and he was terminal. Jennie went to visit him, and she came home; Jennie wanted to be sensitive to Jason’s feelings about it, but he was very open to her sharing with him, and it was important for their relationship that she did.
- That experience rooted their relationship deeper because of Jason’s love and compassion. When he passed, Jennie came to Jason and just needed to cry, and he held her all night. It was a moment in time where she had just started something beautiful with Jason and then here was this man she had a deep relationship which was dying. Jason held space for her to allow her to go through whatever she needed to go through.
- The couple would take walks around Jennie’s old neighborhood and talk. There was a lot of passion in the beginning but also a lot of walking the dog and talking. New relationships are so delicious because we pluck them out of time and space and create particular times and bubbles for them to grow. Then the world starts to infiltrate, the kids and jobs start infiltrating; one of the reasons the beginning is so wonderful is because we take the time to pluck them out and create and honor them as special. For the couple, it was always the magical walks.
- There was a story about a music box that Jennie shared with Jason that connected them. Before her brother, Joe had been in his accident; he had given her a music box for Christmas; it was a porcelain clown that you wound up, and it turned and played music. Before Joe died every once in a while, the clown would turn on its own; without her winding it.
- After he died, it would occasionally do it and would remind her of her brother and then it went silent for years. She was at work one day and thought to herself how Joe had never tried to reach out to her after he died. Jennie went home that day and walked into her apartment and closed the door and the minute she walked into the living room the clown started to play. At that moment she collapsed; she knew he had tried to reach out to her. It was too amazing to ignore.
- The couple has experienced death together, and it has been tough. There is a lot of transitioning. Look around you, because the relationships you have in your life they are too amazing to ignore. Jennie looks at her parents, who are in their 70;s and they are so sweet with each other, and they do so many little things for each other; there is a level of tenderness and slowing down with each other, being present with each other. They recognize the preciousness of what they have; why wait until you are older when you can see the sunset coming? Make a list now of what you would want for your partner when you are 80 and live that now.
- Go to www.shadesofintimacy.com and listen to past episodes, get more information about their intimacy workshops or start a conversation. Subscribe, rate and review this podcast on Itunes as well.