Toxic is Toxic
- Jason opens this episode by beginning the conversation about what is toxic femininity and masculinity? The Definition is that a man is not in touch with his feeling and then spews it on the world. Men are sedated and not always in touch with their feelings. Suzanne’s definition is, that out of integrity, not being truthful, a lot of blame and shame. Lashing out. Don’t think, but react.
- The 4 stage model of maturity is from infancy to independence, to integrated interdependency, to integrated selflessness. There are 2 energies, the masculine and the feminine. The masculine is the witness of awareness and the feminine is the fullness of life. The masculine is unchanging and the feminine is ever changing. These are the energies we run.
- We need the tools to understand how the world operates. Toxic is neither masculine or feminine, but toxic is toxic. It’s how it runs through your body, either masculine energetic or feminine orientated. What it looks like running through either energy, masculine or feminine, that is present in both male and female.
- When your doing toxic masculine or feminine, it is integrated into your psyche and your not aware of what you’re doing. Using an example of this Suzanne tells of a time, early in her marriage, that she would let her dog outside to go to the bathroom. She would get sidetracked and forget about the dog and the dog would take off to the park. She would freak out in her toxic femininity to her husband, panicked the dog got out. Fortunately, her husband had a strong masculine. He did it twice but the third time, he told her that this is a dysfunctional pattern. The dog will always come home.
- She wanted him to go rescue something which makes him step into the masculine, but she is subconsciously creating the situation, so he has to step into it. She is overwhelmed making him prove he is there for her in some capacity. It’s unfair and exhausting and forces him to react to a self-created scenario.
- When you want what you want and your willing to exercise control and manipulation to get it. We all do that. If you’re living an honest life, you’re doing it in small ways.
Bitching, Moaning and Self Sabotage
- There is a disconnect between sensation and action and that’s where the toxins build. There is a gap between what you’re feeling and how you’re operating in the world. One of Jennie’s toxic feminine traits is she will want to go out with her friends. Her toxic femininity will sabotage it. It will under the surface not tell Jason about the plans, and she won’t take care of herself during the week. What she is doing is sabotaging it. There is a mix of martyr and not taking care of it.
- Jennie’s toxic masculine doesn’t take her feminine into account. It’s a masculine that is all go and no stop. Driven and when her feminine needs a break her masculine energy says absolutely not. That is her overriding and domineering and being strict. Jason’s masculine feels into what’s right for the family. That’s the masculine course for him. Then he uses his power to get it done. His toxic feminine is when he doesn’t get his way. He whines, and he bitches and moans and tries to guilt Jennie into getting it his way.
- Suzanne’s toxic masculine has time constraints and control, getting things done. It likes structure. Her husband works in India and has an ever-changing schedule. When his schedule changes it pisses her toxic masculine off. She gets bitchy and doesn’t want to change; he gets rigid. Her toxic feminine is overwhelmed. It creates avoidance, doesn’t serve her and constantly appears busy so she won’t be bothered. A form of self-sabotage.
- Things are going super well for the feminine, with the “Me Too” movement. The flipside is that Jason is part of “Wake Up Warrior” and they teach men to feel their feelings and their pain and out of that come into the light. How is that perceived as toxic? Men need to feel their feelings or it explodes outside of themselves.
- A piece of that is fear. There is a fear when a feminine really comes out. That same thing is being experienced as the man. Saying men need to get in touch with their feelings but when he does it may not be comfortable or pretty. Saying one thing and expecting another. There are times that Jason gets vulnerable and afraid. That triggers in Jennine, “My man is afraid? We are fucked.” She attacks him and there are times she is supportive, but it triggers her.
- Jennie feels that’s a toxicity of her own. Not feeling safe at that moment. That’s a place where she has to build her capacity. Jason showing his authentic feelings in a healthy way isn’t toxic. Women are more in touch, men are rocks. In Warrior, they metaphorically kick men in the dick. Some men want their ass kicked to get where they need to go.
Tough as a Tutu in Your Chakra
- Suzanne works with anger and resentment and fear and how they are all in the lower chakras. When you allow them to move up, they touch the heart chakra. The intent changes because it’s moving through love. Instead of it being rage, it becomes a ruthless intention. The heart is purifying and helps to see something different.
- Suzanne used to do the EST conferences which were in your face. She was a Prima Ballerina and tough. She was highly competitive and strong in her masculinity. She needed to get in touch with her feelings but her mechanism was kind of abusive. If you scream at her enough she will become a better dancer. It’s how she understood the movement, by being hit by a toxic energy. It worked but beyond that point, you reach a place where you break, and now need to love yourself. Both critically important.
- A principal in Wake up Warrior it that you know when to push, when not to push and always follow it with love. It goes back to if you’re in touch, when you need to pummel someone and when you need to relax it. When we become numb though, and can’t feel anything, we are running blind and spewing shit everywhere.
- The masculine is highly reactive because of the “Me Too,” movement. They are feeling threatened by the behavior of other men. Being lumped into a group of men who acted badly. It’s about perception. Jason remembers that Jennie gently slapped him across the face during a sexual tussle and it was received as delightful. Any other time, it would be like, “What the Fuck?”
- In a very toxic place, some of the same actions can take place in a different place and can be received differently with a different energy. In Stage One, if a man throws a woman on the bed and fucks her, only connected to his cock, that’s damaging. In Stage Four, a man throws a woman on the bed and fucks her, he is feeling her heart and is aware and adjusting himself according to her flow and openness. That’s ravishing. And men your women want to be ravished with heart.
- Another piece in the sexual occasion, it’s a moment by moment thing. Adjust and being present through all of the stages. In a healthy relationship, neither the masculine or the feminine want to override the other. Looking at the toxic masculine and the feminine, there is very often an agenda in one way or another manipulating or overriding the other person sexually. There is a huge sense that there is an ability to override the other.
- The toxic masculine and feminine can be withheld and if it is, it becomes more toxic. There is an undercurrent that happens because the partner does not know what is going on, what the hidden needs are. Communication needs to come in or the man or the woman will go out of the relationship an to a prostitute or porn or have an affair. Because they are not getting something that they need personally.
- Jason remembers his Dad had asked his Mom to wear makeup and perfume, for polarity. She thought he wanted her to dress up like a french whore. She refused to be a french whore. Dad has a First Stage need that was about him. Jennies First stage love language is to clean the house. That’s good because Jason will never give her that. The cool thing about the Fourth Stage is giving your mate something, even they don’t know they need.
- Suzanne recalls having dinner with an old boyfriend years ago. They had a great time and she got a little feisty and as he said he should leave, she said he didn’t have too. He hesitated and at that moment he became not confident, unsure and not masculine. He hesitated and she showed him the door.
“Being a victim to the toxic female or male is toxic in and of itself. There are some extreme exceptions to this. Vilifying men and women for it, as a whole, is not okay.”- Jennie
- There are many episodes in the Shades of Intimacy library that you as the listener can go back through and learn from. Being present and aware with your partner is important, and having the tools to do this are all available to you. To sign up for the Shades of Intimacy event click on link.