The Gift of Presence

In this episode of Shades of Intimacy, the couple share ways they have been present when the other needed it. Stepping in to hold that masculine place while she taps into the feminine and vice versa. If you provide your partner with that safe space to be vulnerable and feel your energy, they are able to surrender to you.

Topic #1

5 Little Ducks and a Rabbit Tale

  • Jason begins this episode by stating that Jennie has a thing for dead animals; birds in particular. Driving home on a 3 lane freeway through a canyon, Jennie noticed some debris in the center lane. Preparing in her mind how to avoid the debris, she assumed it was a blown tire. As she got closer she realized that it was a pile of baby ducks. One of the ducks was alive and still scrambling around the other dead ducks. Jennie had no idea where they came from.
  • The point is that she was there. She started crying; it was not okay. She began to drift into the shame loop. “I should have pulled over and saved the last duckling.” “ Why didn’t I try?” Jennie knew there was no was with the 80 mph traffic coming at her. It reminded Jason of the rabbit story. Jennie had come home from work, upset. A rabbit had been hit and was on the side of the road near their home. She asked Jason to see if it was okay. He went out but the rabbit had already died.
  • Jason was proud of Jennie because she came home after the ducks and did a stack on it. She shares that she had a lot to say to God and to the universe. Wasn’t pretty. But because of the pain at that moment, she felt like the light and innocence of these ducks had been completed assaulted. She felt that, instead of feeling that yes, those poor creatures had died a horrible death, but she had not been looking at it holistically and that there is a place for death and darkness. If we didn’t die a million times during our lives we would all be running around like a bunch of infantile amoebas. It shouldn’t have happened but it did. Jason adds that Jennie is looking at it as a biologist, which she is. She is arguing with the reality of the situation and taking it a step further into life as an evolving species on this planet.

If we didn’t die we wouldn’t evolve, we would just replicate as the same. ”- Jason

Topic #2   

Kick-Ass Vulnerability

  • Jason asks Jennie how coming home feeling this way, applied to their relationship? Jennie starts by saying that it is critically important if you’re not willing to press into those places that you know will be painful, you’re not going to expand. In very specific ways. If you are always avoiding the pain of collision with your partner or avoiding the pain of reaching out and saying, I love you, out of fear of rejection. If we are constantly pumping the brakes because we don’t want to lean into some kind of pain, then we aren’t living a full life.
  • Jason appreciates Jennie being so vulnerable even though at first she came home and buried that shit, she slowly opened up about it. The rabbit, that pressing in and showing that pain. Jennie shares that Jason did such a touching thing that night. She felt stupid for feeling the way she did about the rabbit at first but acknowledged that it was painful and it hurt. He drove down and found the rabbit, which had died and took it to the side of the road and buried it. It informed her, even more, how amazing of a man he is.
  • Jason talks about how kick ass Jennie is;a successful woman. She manages people and has a lot of masculine traits. Women are on the rise and kicking ass. Men under 25, some surveys have shown, are becoming far more feminine. Underneath that there is a piece of her that she is not afraid to show. In that, she allows him space, for him to enter into the masculine, which she cannot do at that moment, without having someone else do it for her.

“We are always trying to hold everything together and to have a partner who can step in and hold you up during that time, is invaluable.”-Jennie

Topic #3

Reciprocal Energy

  • Jason states that stepping into that space is reciprocal. He can create self generated feminine energy but he cannot create the energy and radiance that her feminine core gives him. He cannot generate that. Men go to war for this, build temples to worship it, they pay a lot of money for that energy. They can’t get it for themselves. Jason adds that he sees a lot of men in relationships with good women who aren’t getting that life force energy and they are suffering in pain. Now reciprocate that onto your partner by saying that they can take care of themselves, they have a good job. Jennie is kick ass and she can’t give herself that presence when the ducks are dying.
  • Jennie adds that it’s in those moments of utter surrender. When she gets home, pushes the piece aside that has been holding herself together. And to hand that over to the masculine, it creates the space. And the time for her to surrender and let emotion and feelings and movement run through her. Jason states that in the most needed places, the Infant Stage, he is manipulative. He does whatever he can to get it. She will do whatever she can to get that presence from him. The Independent Stage is our stab at taking care of ourselves. The Third Stage, he will give presence if she gives energy. Bargaining. The Fourth Stage which is the Integrated State is when it is selfless and offers her his helplessness. Jason adds that to make the Fourth Stage clear, Jennie wanted his presence but instead of demanding it, she just opened up and showed her fucking pain. That was the gift. She went to Fourth Stage helplessness by letting him see that, without manipulation in it.
  • Jennie says that there wasn’t a want of his presence, there was just a dropping away. He was there and present and she surrendered. Men this is invaluable to her, Jason adds. But also men, the second thing is a learned skill. Jason hasn’t always been this present. He didn’t always have the skill level. There is also a choice. If Jason is having a bad day, in his own shit, he is aggravated at everything. Jennie walks in with that and he can be saying, “Shit I don’t want to give her this right now.” So even if he can do it, he doesn’t always.

“I admit that if I had not felt a presence, i wouldn’t have shared or surrendered into you.”-Jennie

Closing Thoughts

  • The couple say that it has gone both ways. Jason needed her and she was not being present. It becomes a shit show. You have to take care of yourself; feed yourself first. When the other person doesn’t have it to give, they feel they have a valid reason. But it may not be received well. If Jennie doesn’t give Jason the energy he needs he will look at porn, but it’s not her energy and it’s not the same. Jennie adds that women will respond to the energy being put out by other men that are giving them a look, tracking them.
  • Jason tells the women listeners that f they want a deep man the need to be able to show a man yearning in their body. Be vulnerable. You need to give a safe space for the other to be vulnerable in. Jennie also says that in order to get where we are talking about with your partner there is a developmental piece where you have to be able to feel yourself before you can even drop into these deeper places. If she couldn’t feel the pain of seeing those little, terrified baby ducks in the road. If she had pushed it aside and become numb to it, there wouldn’t have been that opportunity when she walked in the house.
  • The first step is to start to feel again. Their relationship is founded on their ability to feel their own pain and pleasure. Get better at feeling your feelings. Jason challenges the listener to ask themselves, “What does it mean to feel better?”
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