The Cone of Shame

In this episode of Shades of Intimacy, the couple discusses how shame is used as a tool of manipulation. Shame is something that funnels down into a person’s core and can place a burden on those that surround them.

Topic #1

Lumpy Boo

  • Jennie opens this episode by discussing the lump in her Boston Terriers nose. Boo had to have surgery to have it cut out of her face. It was a complicated surgery and she is adorable but looks different. She is so ugly she is cute according to Jason.  Boo had to come home with the cone of shame around her head to keep her from scratching at her stitches. The whole situation got Jennie thinking about shame.
  • Shame is like a funnel that all feedback goes right into your sensory input, your highest sensing organ, everything you see, hear, smell and becomes all consuming. Shame is the lowest vibrational energy that we can experience. The worst thing you can do is hate yourself.
  • During the couples 2nd podcast, Jennie shared a story of when her stepdaughter invited her on a field trip. Jennie was so overwhelmed with everything that was going on her life she didn’t go. A listener shamed Jennie for not going on that field trip. Sharing feedback is great, Jennie says, but doing it in a way that shames someone, isn’t going to work. Jason adds that shame is a form of manipulation and control.
“If your trying to open someone to possibilities using shame won’t work .”- Jason

Topic #2   

The Burden of Shame

  • Jason shares a story of being on a men’s weekend in the mountains and he was not doing well. His energy was affecting the men. He took a walk and he was filled with visions of his wife who had died and his children. He felt shame, as he felt he let his kids down because he couldn’t save their mother.
  • He poured out his pain to one of the men and suddenly it was literally lifted from him. In his shame, he was burdening his children with it. Jason wants Jennie to be able to let go of the burden of shame that she has been carrying around about the field trip. He wants her to be liberated from it.
  • Jennie remembers a time when she pranced into Jason’s office in her underwear where he was intensely working. Jason was irritated at her for a brief moment for breaking his focus and she felt shame. She didn’t get the response she wanted and her shame turned to anger. He tried to fix it but it was too late. She had put herself out there in very playful, sexy way, and was made to feel that it was inappropriate in the way her body registered it.
  • Jason shares that a year into their relationship he saw a pair of red high heels in her closet. One day Jennie surprised him; they were definitely sex shoes. It pleased and delighted him. A month later he asked if she was going to wear them again and she said that it was a terrible idea and she couldn’t believe she did that. She turned on herself and shamed herself. He couldn’t believe it, he thought it was a delightful surprise.
“Releasing the shame around the action doesn’t mean it didn’t happen or that it wasn’t shitty, but you need that release.”- Jennie

Topic #3

Core Lies

  • A Core lie that we are told is that we are not good enough the way that we are. Nature does not gauge itself against each other. That’s a human response. There is a stage scale of maturity: Stage One is Dependence. Stage Two is Independence. Stage Three is Interdependence and Stage Four is Integrated. Within that scale when you are only being sexual for just you, Stage One, it can cause harm. So when we are at Stage One, we are in Dependence, meaning infancy.
  • We all have well-meaning rules; don’t want teens having sex because it leads to teen pregnancy, kids having kids, societal problems that become shameful Instead of dealing with it in an uplifting, loving way, we tell them it is just wrong. We are fucking lazy, by just shaming people to shut the fuck up and behave. If we just took the time and effort instead of shaming, things would look different.
  • It’s like twisting someone’s arm until they yell uncle. It happens so often in relationships, especially in sex. Your partner will shame you into having sex, pouting until they get what they want. Shame is an effective tool if that’s what you’re looking for. But outside of that, it has caused so much destruction and collapses. You want to be with someone who is authentic. That can’t be done until your honest and stop shaming.
  • Shame becomes an internally focused cannibalism, so much pain that you start to chew yourself up. You’re not good enough, you hate yourself, you can’t even feel anyone; You become that cone of shame. Any love that comes to you filters through this lens that you’re not good enough and becomes immune to hearing any good things
“It’s what we do to each other, part of the fabric of who we are. If you have a need, ask for it. Don’t manipulate and shame to get it.”- Jason

Closing Thoughts

  • Jason closes with a call to action. It is to become aware, really look at your process and why you do things. Do you feel manipulated? Are you manipulating someone else? If you are you almost certainly are dealing in the shame realm. The next level is, you need to deal with your own pits of shame. There’s a systematic sedation of men and women in America. Men are being shamed for being too masculine and women are being shamed for being too feminine. Being shamed for showing vulnerability, which is our greatest strength.
  • The ultimate end of shame is getting kicked out of the tribe. And through our evolutionary history, if you got kicked out of the tribe you were isolated, alone. So when people shame you and you feel frozen it’s because you feel like your going to fucking die. Which is why it’s such a powerful weapon.
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