The Manipulation Situation
- The couple is discussing today how to know when it is time to let it go; as the song. Ideas for Shades of Intimacy the dirty musical are in the works so we can have the opportunity to hear Jennie sing.
- Letting go in a relationship and how to do it correctly and incorrectly. A few years ago the couple went for a drive to Park City Utah to take a hike. It was summer, so it was desolate, no skiers; Jennie made a statement to Jason that she wasn’t sure if she fits into the family with him and the kids. She felt like a square peg in a round hole.
- In Jason’s first marriage his wife had a problem with addictions, and she was always taking off; it was tough on him and the kids. There was an energy of keeping her there, manipulating her, doing whatever he could do to get her to stay. It came from a place of fear, and the last time he let her go and didn’t stop her she ended up dying. Trying to keep someone around that doesn’t want to be there is like being stuck in a certain kind of hell; it’s heavy, and you do stupid things that you are not proud of in order for them to stay. You may be afraid that they are going to go out and hurt themselves, but you are more afraid of being alone.
Please Stay But Get the Fuck Out!
- Early on in their relationship and the couple was living together; Jennie wasn’t sure that she fit into Jason’s life. The immediate reaction for Jason, please don’t leave me then soon became a big fuck you. He then hit the pause button, and he went for a walk; he thought over whether Jennie should be there or not.
- Jason went beyond his thoughts and got into a contemplative place and asked himself what was true. Was Jennie scared or is she right that the shouldn’t have been together? After his walk Jason was super clear, his burden was lifted, and he took Jennie on a walk. He told her he loved her, that she belonged there and she was free to go. So Jennie left.
- When you speak your truth, and you let go of the attachment it is freeing. Jason was open to the fact that he felt Jennie was making a mistake and he let her go. What Jennie was struggling with was in her head she started to create a story that she was trapped; her life was suddenly changed, and there was a part of her that felt like a bird in a cage.
- Jennie felt like it was her against the relationship; there was assumed opposition. When you give absolute release and detachment and give total support, that opposition evaporates. We have a story, and we start collecting evidence to prove it’s the truth. You need to declutter the situation and give that release to any construct of opposition that you have. Jennie still needed to go on her journey in this; it was her journey, and it was not long before she called Jason and said she made a mistake.
- It is important to stand in that love and create a space for your partner to complete a certain type of motion. The four-stage model supports this from selfishness to openness; it sounds easy, but it is not. The piece that gave Jason that ability to let go was the ability to give his deepest truth to Jennie. Had he not been able to do that he probably would have gotten clingy.
- They both had to go into their wilderness and be alone. Jennie couldn’t decide to be with Jason with him standing right next to her. She needed to take that space and get clear in the absence of Jason and the kids about what she wanted. That was incredibly important, and they jointly stayed out of any story that was going on.
- We tend to launch into a story of own personal value and lose sight of who we are as an individual. They knowingly loved and trusted each other and allowed the process to happen. It’s powerful in relationships when you create a space for your partner to make sure that they are sure; it creates a stronger relationship without manipulation.
- Jason sometimes go down a path of thinking, and the story looks really bad, and Jennie does not suppress him she lets him go through the moment. When you are feeling the emotion of anger, it is important to get that emotion out; what is underneath that is hurt and sadness. The anger and the rage are like a giant scab on top of it; it becomes numbing to your life. Completely that motion that your pissed off and let it continue to move and flow, you get to the core of the deep hurt. You will feel completely released from it; you get clarity.
- If Jennie had attempted to move through her journey in the house with Jason and the kids, she wouldn’t have done it fully. It would have turned out fucked up and come out sideways. She gave herself the ability to blow it out and get clear.
- It was grace not to have to stuff anything down and to be able to express everything fully. There is a commitment the couple shares that is deep and real as well as freedom they treat each other with. There is a daily choice they make to be with each other; everybody wants a partner who chooses them.
- Create a relationship where your partner is choosing you every single day. If you want to learn how to do that reach out to the couple at or email Jason at www.jasonfsmith.com or www.shadesofintimacy.com and start a conversation. You can also subscribe, rate and review this podcast on Itunes.